The unprecedented years 2020 and 2021 have been for us in our life time will certainly go down in the history books. However, amidst these historic events and occurrence a lot of personal hardship and challenges have taken place too. Those stories may never make the front page news or beyond the walls of your own home or outside of your community, but no doubt there are many of them as these years have presented challenges many of us never imagined. In dealing with, struggling through, and grieving my own losses these last couple of years, I have needed to remind myself of how God has shown up for me in the hard times in the past to help me stay focused on the horizon and pressing onward. I hope one day soon to share more about all I am learning, but for now, I am sharing a story that is sixteen years old but demonstrated God’s presence and HIs knowing my heart amidst another sorrowful time.

Every now and again, God so powerfully orchestrates life to reveal something about Himself and/or me that in those moments I do not doubt God’s purposes in my life. Sometimes I’m good about journaling those details. Sometimes I share them with others. I’ve found times I do both journal and share, are the times that mark a profound change in how I see myself as a child of God and in the depth of my understanding of Him and His abundant love for me. So I am here today (May 2005) to mark another one of those milestones in my journey.

Last week Karen (Community Bible Study leader) shared that a servant of God worships the God who is there, by remembering His presence, relying upon Him, and rejoicing in Him. God magnificently orchestrated this principal in my life recently. In order to see the beauty of these events, I need to take you back one month to April 18th (2005).

On this day, an event worth celebrating occurred. My sister gave birth to her second child, and to all of our surprise, the first boy in our family.  I am one of three sisters and until Luke’s birth on April 18th, we had four nieces and NO nephews in our family. I eagerly looked forward to flying out to Colorado just ten days later to share in this celebration with my family.

The following day, April 19th, I had an appointment that I thought would be another cause of great rejoicing in my life, but instead it brought much sorrow. At a nine week ultrasound, I discovered the baby I was carrying was not growing as expected and since it was before the end of my first trimester, the doctor recommended I allow my body to miscarry it naturally.

So here I found myself amidst great sorrow in my own life, wanting to recognize God’s presence in this situation as well as have the strength and joy to celebrate my nephew’s new life, but wasn’t sure how. I came to Community Bible Study for the next two weeks. My core group among others faithfully prayed for me, the baby, and our family (Charles and Aynslee). As I recognized my desire to be with my family in both my grief as well amidst the celebration of Luke’s birth, I decided to leave as planned on Thursday, April 28th to Colorado.

The day before I left, at our CBS social, we talked about what our favorite seasons were. I remarked that it varied depending on the place I lived. As I mentioned each place and corresponding season I enjoyed, I shared how I missed winters and watching the snow fall in Colorado. Little did I know what God had in store for me.

The night I arrived in Colorado, about two hours after I put my young daughter, Aynslee to bed, the intense labor pain and heavy bleeding began. That entire night I sat alone in the bathroom as waves of child labor pain expelled the baby from my body. I’ll spare you the graphic details but it was one of the loneliest and most painful nights of my life but there was also great mercy in it that did not escape me. My young daughter slept through it ALL and did not worry about what was wrong with momma.

Additionally, that night an unexpected snowstorm moved into the Boulder/Denver area, and the snow began to fall and fall heavily at that. It must’ve dumped almost a foot and a half of snow the first night (while I miscarried my baby) and it continued to fall off and on for four days! This sort of lingering snowstorm is very unusual for this time of year. There was no doubt in my mind why that storm suddenly appeared in Colorado and lingered over Boulder through those first four days I was there. God made his presence and his knowledge of my heart’s longings known and real to me in a time of great sorrow. He also showed me the delight and joy of watching the snow fall for the first time through the eyes of my 20-month-old daughter. Whenever she walked by a window or was riding in a car, she’d scream as loud as she could, SNOW!!! She’d point and marvel at the marvelous white powder falling from the sky. I found that to be something worth rejoicing over… and brought tears of joy to my eyes. (It’s a fond memory of mine to this day. November 2021)

Also, before leaving for California for Colorado, a few people wondered if being around my sister’s newborn son would be difficult for me at this time. My whole purpose of scheduling the trip had been to go out that week to help her with her 22-month-old daughter so she could attend to Luke’s needs. I knew in my heart of hearts, I’d find great comfort and joy in seeing him and his newness of life despite my own sorrow and loss. I also knew my sister would understand my grief.

Through other trials earlier in my life, I thankfully had learned that life is full of many bittersweet moments. Not always have I handled those situations with the grace God provides me, but through the years when I have relied on Him and his grace, I have discovered unspeakable joy in being able to celebrate with others amidst my own pain and disappointment. His Holy Spirit enables me to lay aside what consumes me most (which are my wants and needs), and to enter into someone else’s life. If at those times I had rather sulk about my own hurts/disappointments, there would’ve been many moments of celebration and delight, I would’ve completely missed.

These moments always draw me to the words of the great psalmist, David, in Psalm 27:13, 14

I would have despaired unless I had believed I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the LORD.

I struggle with these final words and thoughts because I feel like I am conveying I have “arrived.” To that end, all I can say is that the only place I’ve arrived is to THIS very spot in my journey. Here I feel God has called me to lay down stones to remember these lessons he’s shown me. So here I am laying them down in front of you to help me remember. My sorrow still lingers. My heart still longs. But yet I rejoice. God was there for me amidst my sorrow, God made his presence evident to me, and God granted me joy in seeing snow fall for the first time through my daughter’s eyes. God also gave me joy and comfort in celebrating the birth of my nephew. Additionally, God’s Holy Sprit gives me the grace and courage to continue to rely on Him and to not despair over the loss of my child. For this and much more I rejoice.