Parenting: I Made a choice

On the surface it seems a fairly innocuous question for a substitute teacher, “Who are you today?” However this fall after answering that question for the fourth time that day at my children’s school with “Just a parent today.” I blurted out, “I need to rethink how I respond to that question.” Not for their sake, but for mine.

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably gotten into at least one awkward conversation about your choice to either work or stay home with your kids. Sometimes the awkwardness emerges because the individual feels they need to justify why they could “never do what you do.” In my case, I have been primarily a stay at home parent for the last ten years. Some of the awkwardness comes when people share… They would not find it intellectually stimulating enough. They wanted to but couldn’t afford to do it. They are a single parent. They like their job, their independence, their career, or their own achievements too much, which are all acceptable reasons to me. So why is it awkward? They usually quickly add they think it’s great that I do “it.” On days I am at peace with my decision, I can simply reply, “Thanks, I think so too! I am grateful for the opportunity.”

On less peaceful days, I will explain my situation, and try to help them understand me. I have come to realize that often times what I share reveals my own struggle to make peace with my choices, and from an assumption that if someone chooses differently than me that there needs to be a justification as to why our different choices were made. But isn’t it enough for us to recognize that we are each on our own journeys, and as a result we are going to make different choices we believe to be best for our family needs and desires. I believe if we fail to see that principle, it reflects a lack of respect for the difference between another individual’s needs and subsequent choices, and our own.

As parents, we make choices everyday about how we parent our children. Some of those choices are so tied to who we are that we don’t even recognize they are our choices. They are tied to our temperaments, to our pasts, to our values, to where we live, and to how we were parented. We often don’t even recognize these things as influences. As a result, a lot of the choices we make come from deep within us; therefore, when someone challenges or simply questions our approach, sometimes we have a visceral reaction.

If you’ve ever visited parent boards you may have seen how these reactions play out when parents discuss whether or not to cry it out or to co-sleep with your child, or whether or not to “wear” your child, or to training them to self-soothe, or when parents discuss whether its more difficult to stay-at-home or to work as a parent. These discussions often times devolve into yelling and insulting discussions that rarely result in encouraging or constructive discussions.

For me, I have come to realize that it is important for me to value the journey I am on as a parent by showing mutual respect to parents who choose to parent and operate in a different way than me. Obviously, I am speaking of parenting differences that do NOT involve child abuse of any sort. It begins by removing extreme language, like “I could never do…” or “I always…” cuz lets be real we don’t really live at those extremes.

Maybe you are a parent who “never” lets their kids watch tv, but then your child is miserably sick at home. They don’t want to play, eat, or sleep. They just want to whine about how miserable they feel. All of the sudden letting your child watch a movie or tv episode doesn’t seem like such a awful thing to do. Or in other circumstances, your spouse/partner gets laid off or worse yet fired from their job. As a result you who’ve “never” worked outside of the home are looking for a job in your field because you need to provide for your family.

You still value what you value. You are still the same person you were yesterday; however you made a choice different from the ones you’ve made before… but you still are you, and you love your family. You simply made a choice for your family like I did for mine.

© all images, writing, and designs by Cindy Ryan Albrecht 2013